When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
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My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.