I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
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Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
🙄😏😂🤣
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
won’t smith
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.