Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
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Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie