museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
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For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”