[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
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Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.