“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
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Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
#StillHurts
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Become ungovernable.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…