I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
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The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”