You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
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“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.