Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
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I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”