donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
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Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]