me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
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[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.