GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
You Might Also Like
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?