Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
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Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy