son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
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My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
I was bored.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses