Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
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CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.