I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
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Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from