Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
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I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
There’s only one good girl here!
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife