Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.