Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
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I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
this FaceApp is creepy af
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
How it started: How it’s going:
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.