My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
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Saturday
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?