I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
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Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
This will teach them to underestimate me
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”