Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
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When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
New favorite tiktok
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer