[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
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A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
For when Tinder doesn’t work
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here