My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
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Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Me trying to walk in a dream
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed