I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
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“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.