Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
You Might Also Like
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”