I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
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I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Had to try this trend 😊
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
I got bills
They’re multiplying
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ