[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
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*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well