You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
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[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.