The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
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Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
selfie game
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’