*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
You Might Also Like
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.