– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
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Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!