Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
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Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Just ordered me some pizza!
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*