Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
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“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Go girl power!
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
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