“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
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The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
My blood type is b hungry.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods