Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
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I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
😎 🍻
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.