i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
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Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
#dnd #ttrpg
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers