i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
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If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
even bears disappoint their mothers
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me: