Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
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professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”