[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
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*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.