The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
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People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
concern
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you