Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
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Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome