Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
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Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]