Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
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Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?