Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
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Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Best table by far
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar