There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
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FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
LA today:
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes