“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
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me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
“Wait, let me explain..”
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.