Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
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If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.