How dude HOW?!
You Might Also Like
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
They got Raph!
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I have two kinds of followers
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*