Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
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Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*